Nix’s blog

I’ve been thinking a lot about fear and how it affects the choices we make. And how we, in turn, fear making choices.  There are countless sagacious sayings attempting to inspire us to seek our true selves.  In each of these pithy expressions, we are supposed to see ourselves in a new light, to find the inner strength we’ve only dreamt of.  But somehow this doesn’t really work, does it?  We don’t find escape or comfort when we encounter such slogans of self.  Or maybe it’s just me. Maybe I have lost my way and need to have my faith restored.

For as long as I can remember, I’ve thought about the sayings in fortune cookies, on Celestial Seasonings tea boxes, or other objects of commercial inspiration.  The truth is that these revelations can’t be real if they are so common. In their ubiquity, their power is lost.

That is not to say that we cannot be inspired or moved by the words of other, but rather that we will not find the clarity strong enough to jolt us into a new realm through phrases mass produced and distributed.  In reality, how could someone you’ve never met actually inspire you to evolve? It is in the words of daily wisdom that we should invest our hopes, find our encouragement. 

And yet I hope, over and over again, that “Courage is fear that has said its prayers” will one day make me want to embrace all of the power it implies exists already within me.   

"My Mother is a fish."
Vardaman from William Faulkner's As I Lay Dying

So I've been missing in action for a while.  Well, I'm back.  I'm done with posts about running for a while.  Today it's all about signs.   

Do you remember that song "Signs"? I think it was by TESLA or some other long-haired aggro-rock band of the early-1990s.... Well, here are a series of signs that should make you laugh and realize that I have lost my bloody mind!

Last night, in the middle of my deepest sleep (well, I suppose it wasn't THAT deep if I remember, but you get the point), I knew what the quote of the day should be: "My mother is a fish." It's the one-line chapter spoken by Vardaman in Faulkner's AS I LAY DYING.  Why on earth would this line pop into my head? Well, more on that in a minute, but the short answer is that the "chapter" is all about confusion and child-like fears.

A few hours and weird dreams later, it's officially morning and time to start my day.  Well, I check my email and discover the following horoscope:For two weeks now you have been making some structural changes in your mind, in order to free yourself from some of the interior obstacles that keep you from being the spontaneous person you would like to be. Great! You are on your way to getting over your natural reluctance to express yourself. Just because you share your wonderful nature with others doesn't make you a vulnerable person. They may even be touched in a very special way.

"Special" touching aside, this freaked me out a bit because, well, there have been other accurate horoscopes of late.  In fact, Friday's and Saturday's had gems like suggesting self-expression will "allow [me] to deal with some of the hang-ups in [my] life that are narrowing your horizons at the moment." Or that "celestial energy [is] pushing [me] to commit to something or to someone." Scary stuff indeed. But we don't take these things seriously, do we?

Next, while exploring MSN this morning, I stumbled upon an article that offered a young and lost woman advice about how to "tell a friend I want more without ruining the friendship?” situation.  The conclusion? Well, you know the conclusion: to actively shape your life.  The "expert" advice warned that if she didn't act she might end up "down the road, the guy/girl at the end of the bar, nursing a drink and the pain of wondering what would have happened if you’d just confessed your love."  I think it's safe to say that we've all been that woman at the end of the bar swilling drinks to dull the thoughts of regret and "what ifs."

Well, the final "sign" that led to this post is the discovery of the comic strip: http://www.breakupgirl.net/comics/cap01.html

This is a fun and delightful way to waste some time, but it also seemed more than relevant.  But what do all of these signs actually mean? Do they mean I should get my head out of my ass and sort myself out?  That  I am lost like Vardaman in a sea of ridiculosity?  That I have too much time on my hands?  Perhaps.  The real question is whether  I've seen enough signs to right the ship. 

Stay tuned to find out.....

“It is not our abilities that show what we truly are, it is our choices.”

Albus Dumbledore (Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets)

Rage, Trickery, and a Welcomed Cold Front

What’s in a number?  Does it really matter if we run 3 or 4 miles?  Does it really matter if it took two minutes longer today than it did last time?  How do we measure our successes if it’s not against each other?  I think I’ve been fighting the competitor within me for quite some time.  I always want to win. To be better, smarter, faster. But I rarely let her out.  Much like there are many sides of myself that I keep filed away neatly, waiting for some day in the future when all of my ducks are in a row and I’m ready for them to be seen.  In the meantime, I wait.  But today something flickered.  Something that said “what if” I pushed myself a little harder for a little longer? What if I held nothing back and simply went boldly, even recklessly, forward?  What if I didn’t worry about consequences and simple acted?  While I know the answer to most of these questions is “I wouldn’t be me,” I’m beginning to wonder if there are circumstances which allow us to step outside of ourselves and see the world from a different viewpoint… and more importantly, if we are able to do this, could we see ourselves how other see us? This last question has been floating around in my head for months now, like a nagging idea that’s waiting for the right time to develop and be born.  It’s still in its gestation period, but it’s a-comin’!

What else did I learn this week?  Well, I learned that rage is a great motivator.  Literally Rage Against the Machine, Hole, 311 and other angst-filled groups.  Yummy!  Sure, it’s nice to sway with fun stuff or to dance your way to the finish line, but nothing makes you want to push harder, faster than the driving chords from an angry band!  Long live angry rock!

The other thing I learned this week is that while I desperately craved the cold weather, I don’t really know what to do with it. I suppose this will change with time, but the fact that I ran errands and HAD NO IDEA that my sweat left salty stains all over my face suggests that there are a great many things I have to learn about running outdoors in the "winter."  Who knew?!

Body Thoughts This Week:  The problem with us heady folk is that we live in our heads.  I think that's why I partied so much in college... it was a way to be outside of my head.  It’s funny, I had a session with my trainer yesterday. He was great and worked me really hard (I’m more sore from him today than from the miles I ran) and we took my measurements so that I could feel inspired by the improvements.  Now, I should point out that I’ m not obsessed about #s but I have goals I would like to attain. After discussing fitness goals and the changes he suggested, I asked myself what if this is as good as it gets? And that was the part that really bothered me.... I was waiting for him to tell me that I'd accomplished something.  And based on his numbers, my perception would change.  I think we have a way of wanting to be disappointed in ourselves that prevents us from reaching our potential. And sometimes we are so busy thinking about where we could be that we have no idea where we actually are. 

This Week’s Life Lesson: What I’ve learned about myself today/this week is that it's harder to believe we can move mountains than to actually move them.

Attention: Idiotic Boys of the World:

 You Are Officially an Endangered Species

Five miles.  Creekside.  A task that is more than doable, but to be honest, worried me a little because this week has highlighted my vulnerabilities, not my strengths.  I decided that I would finish the mileage and do the best I could, despite or because of my circumstances.  Even then, I worried.  But I knew there’s only one way to find out, right?  Ipod ready to go, I started out hoping to avoid another day of chatting while running.  It ruined my pace and my internal calm last week.  But today was different.  At about the quarter-mile point, I ended up running with someone.  We cursed, saw crazy deer, and all was good.  So maybe it’s about mood or tone more than simply socializing. 

My idiotic penis-bearing friends, while I have long been a sucker to your charms, those days are no more.  Today, for the first time ever, I was inspired by your selfish, immature, and stupid ways.  Unlike my usual anger, today, I was able to see that while you may try to charm us with your wit and your guile, it is up to us to maintain boundaries. And that with this knowledge what I can accomplish is endless.  Yes, I stomped out some bugs today while thinking of you.  And yes, I had moments of anger because of your continual presence in the universe.  But never did I doubt my capabilities. Or the fact that I can overcome whatever the world places in front of me.  You can delay this train, but you can’t derail it. Not for long, at least.

If only all women were able to see their power and know that there is nothing that any of these empty-brained fuckwits can do to strip us of this power, then they really would be endangered.  Today, at the end of my 5-mile run, I realized that the hill I dreaded most was only intimidating because I doubted my power.  As I ran up the hill that just a few short weeks ago I needed to walk up, I knew I was changing my world. 

Social Running and Why We’re Here

We’ve skipped a week of training with the team so that I could go to the Texas State Fair, but this marks my return.  Still unsteady about running outside, I was more than a little apprehensive about taking the run to the highway!  My only goal was not to walk any of the four miles.  It was that simple… as long as I kept myself in some form of a jog, I would see it as a success.

Although it was a fine run, most of it at least, the fact that there were no markers for the distances traveled and the course was weird—it snaked through an office park and a neighborhood.   

The last half-mile was really the test of the week.  Amazed that I was able to keep moving even at a snail’s pace (for the record, I clearly started too fast because I had little left at the end!).  But the real challenge came when a teammate decided she would run with me.  Now, I know I’ve complained about the social aspect of training, but I really need the quiet.  I like the order in my head when I run, so I end up being anti-social or even rude to people who want to chat about life as we run.  I feel a little guilty about this, but I think I’m starting to see my running as a space for me to be selfish, to be in my body and nowhere else.

Nature Smells and That Gravely Sound.

Well, it’s safe to say that I found a new hobby.  I know I’ve been reticent, but today something clicked.  Not just the realization that, yes, I could do this, but that I could do it well.  And that in the process, I could change my world forever.  Not bad for an hour into your day!

The run itself was interesting.  The first mile was a breeze. No soreness or fatigue.  Just clearing my head and wondering what the rest of the course would look like. 

Always a fan of being near the water, I’ve never really liked “nature.”  That is, I never want to deal with bugs and the like.  But today, all I could think about was how great it was to be outside while so many people were still sound asleep.  As I trudged along, still very aware of how much I missed my ipod, I became aware of another sound.  I’ve been thinking about breathing for a while, so that’s something I’m very used to.  The new sound was the crackling of my feet on the gravel.  The rhythmic stride.  The crunching sound was so great I increased my pace so I could lose some of the chatter of other folks on the course.  This isn’t about conversation.  Every part of my life is about me being sociable.  Asking questions. Listening to people.  This was about something else; it was about me listening to what I could do and nothing else. 

I wish I could say the run was a complete success.  On the return trip, the hill that was a pleasant sight at the beginning (although I knew going down, I would have to face it on the return, I tried to ignore this fact.), was rapidly approaching.  Although my first mile time was decent and much more natural/easier than any of the runs I’d done on the treadmill (perhaps there’s something to be said for the change of scenery), the hill entered my mind and I didn’t think I could take it.  So I slowed to a brisk walk in order to make it up the 30% grade hill.    Atop the hill, I was a bit disappointed, but it is what it is.  And it’s hard to be disappointed for very long when you look up and see a beautiful marsh and people of all shapes and sizes out there enjoying the world, pushing themselves to their limit.  Interestingly, it was after this “disappointment” that I my mind wandered to some of my real world concerns—the job search, boy troubles, the usual.  But unlike my reaction when I’m not moving, these thoughts were short-lived as I knew they were just other hills that could be tackled with a little dedication to hard work.  

I realized when I actually met folks this morning that so much of my anxiety about training for this event was about feeling "fit" enough to do this, but so many people there hadn't exercised in ages and I wasn't expecting that.  When I turned 30, I decided to end my body battles.  Well, I thought I decided to end them... anyway, I realized as TIT approached that I hadn't ended the battles, I’d just moved them somewhere else... and unfortunately, that meant I wasn't fully dealing with the issues they represent.  I think it's a bit like an addiction—you're never "cured" and always in recovery. 

While watching the end of the Yankees game on campus on Thursday, this woman and I started talking about the State Fair.  When I described the fried snickers bar, she said "Girl, I used to weigh 250 pounds and you're exciting the fat girl inside me."  Which struck a chord and made me think of Monica on Friends and the many times she referenced the fat girl inside that she didn't let eat... and how hard such body transformations are on the spiritual/emotional levels, let alone the physical.  And then something clicked. I realized that most of my "freaking" out about TIT and the return to bad ways was not just about fear about the life change, but fear of making it public.  Anyway, clearly a work in progress this all is... but the good news is that I survived today and will probably sleep better next Friday night knowing what's in store for me on Saturday morning.

Highlight of the day: passing people--no matter how hard you train, you can't do that on a treadmill.

This seems like a fitting horoscope for today:

Embrace your loved ones with all your love.  Let your heart lead the way. Things will be flowing your way as long as you let them. Don't try to fight the good fortune that is approaching you. If you try to force the door open, it won't budge. Knock gently and it will open by itself. You mind is quick and jovial today. Get things moving in a positive direction and they will stay that way. Jump onto an uphill spiral to success.